Keepin it Real.....

September 20, 2018

Woooheeee , a lot going on, including my several month break from blogging.  I'm not really sure where life is going, I've gotten a little burned out on everything and would like to take a sabbatical from everything and just go somewhere quiet....maybe go eat, pray and love my way through some of the national forests or state parks that are in my state or neighboring states. Maybe find a mountain cabin or a beach house somewhere quiet.  I crave solitude sometimes, where NO ONE is asking me for anything and I just have time to reflect and really dig deep into my soul. I feel like for sanity's sake...this is something I need, getting it on the other hand is altogether another issue. 
 I found myself so full of anger and hate the other day, I couldn't shake it and stewed in it all day....I felt like this guy, like for real.  I felt like I was full of anger demons and as the day went by, I realized that I was angry at several things and several people...myself included.   I found myself needing to do a lot of forgiveness and letting go...
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So....with that being said and done....I went from this ^ 

to this Image result for inside out angercuz there's still a little anger left over, but it's so much less than what it was, and it took me most of the day to calm down enough to actually get in a state of forgiveness.  The rest of the week has been much, much grateful for that!

On April 17, 2018 we welcomed a new grand baby to our family, that makes #4 but my first biological grandbaby.  It's surreal watching my baby becoming a mother.  She delivered in the early morning hours on April 17 a baby boy (our 4th boy).  He was 8 lbs 6 oz and 20.5 inches long.  He had to go to NICU as Ash was running a fever and there were some scary complications during delivery, but all in all, everything turned out well and we welcomed Nash Keoni Kahanaakauahi.  This little guy has been a joy and a blessing, he is so happy and smiley and talkative and sweet.  Pictures:  Nash is only a few minutes old when daddy got to hold him in the NICU and Ashlie had this beautiful photoshoot done the day after.  

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Fast forward to present day...we are in September and Nash just turned 5 months old....holy crapola time flies.  So, because I haven't really blogged are some random Nash pics, because 1. He's so stinkin cute 2. He's my only bio grandbaby 3. I'm a little more than obsessed with this sweet boy! :D

Image may contain: Jahren Makanoa and Ashlie Marie Makanoa, people smiling, people sittingPROUD Image may contain: Ashlie Marie Makanoa and Jahren Makanoa, people sitting and indoor
mommy and daddy...they look exhausted, but happy! 

Image may contain: 4 people, including Ashlie Marie Makanoa and Sharla Laursen, people smiling, people sitting and people standing5 Generations!  My Grandma Virginia Carter, dad Gary Carter, me, Ashlie and Nash!  

Image may contain: Jahren Makanoa and Ashlie Marie Makanoa, people smiling, people sleeping and babyMother's Day 2018 and Nash's blessing day, cutest little family! <3 p="">

Image may contain: 2 people, including Ashlie Marie Makanoa, people smiling, stripes, tree, baby, outdoor and natureImage may contain: 1 person, sitting, baby and shoesImage may contain: 2 people, including Ashlie Marie Makanoa, people sitting and baby

Image may contain: 2 people, including Ashlie Marie Makanoa, people sitting and babyImage may contain: 2 people, including Ashlie Marie Makanoa, baby and closeupImage may contain: 1 person, sleeping, baby and closeupImage may contain: Ashlie Marie Makanoa and Jahren Makanoa, people smiling, people sitting and pool

January 13, 2018

It's crazy to be going into 2018 already, time really does fly....

So, daughter and her husband did get remarried

then, the following day we did the gender reveal...................

I was so surprised when the dr's office called me with the results of the blood test and then we had the ultrasound. I was the only one who knew the gender and I was SO wrong and my intuition WAY OFF as I was 10000% sure it was a girl, I even bought a cute little girl outfit!   Everyone was pretty surprised as Ash and my dad and niece all thought it was a girl too, but we will now be expecting our 4th grandbaby boy in April.  This will be my first grandbaby from one of my children but 4th with grandchildren from step daughters!  How fun and can't wait! :)

October 9, 2017

We've made it over the first trimester with daughter's pregnancy.  She announced it on FB and Instagram...sometimes I wonder why we have to announce everything to everyone. 😐  I'm posting here, because honestly, I'm the only one who reads it and it's a journal of sorts for me.  

Ash did come up with a cute announcement, she took several pic, but this is the one I like best. 
We will do an ultrasound Nov 10th to find out the gender, she won't know the gender until the reveal party.  So that will be fun!
 Her and the ex husband are trying to reconcile and I'm more ok with it at this point.  He is willing to compromise and is working hard to better himself and put himself in a better position to be a better husband, if that is what they decide.  I've figured at this point, after all my panic attacks and fretting over things that I can't control, that it's her life and her decisions and they are not rushing back into anything and will do counseling before if they are thinking getting remarried.  I think everyone needs counseling, this world and all the experiences we go through can mess us up big time.  So I give them both credit for having that be part of the reconciliation process. 

I had a crap night of trying to sleep last night, went to bed at 1:30 and tossed the rest of the night, up several times and then my son texted me at 5:30 this morning.  He's a police officer in Las Vegas and after that mass shooting a week ago, I've been a little anxious.  He just texted to tell me that he bought a statue...he collects statues and comic collectibles.  He said when he saw it, he couldn't get his wallet out fast enough....hahahaahaha, he's such a funny kid,, he is 26 years old.  

This is the statue he bought, it's about 2 feet tall....he's been a power ranger fan since he was a kid!  I love it!

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Well, that's it for my update...still really tired but thankfully today (Columbus Day) is a holiday and I don't have to work.  🙌

August 23, 2017

..............and just like that, life throws a curve ball.  So my previous post mentions my daughter getting divorced and as of yesterday we got a status update that the papers were signed by the judge and the divorce is final.  However, we also found out that daughter is pregnant..........HOLY FREAKIN CRAP!  I thought we would get out of this divorce clean and free of any future ties or complications.......HA, that's what I get for thinkin!  😐  

 Ash is my only daughter and now she is facing the future looking at being a single mom.  Ironically, the husband who wanted the divorce, changed his mind and wanted her back, but in the short time away, she got a taste of relief and realized that she really deserves better and really deserves to trust the person she is with. reconciliation, which to me I think is the best.  If I really thought it would work, I might have advised her to give him a second chance, but in my heart of hearts I just couldn't do it.  So, single motherhood, here we come.  Ash also started a dental assisting school today and hope that this will be a great opportunity for her to learn and get skills to give her a chance at a decent job to help support herself and baby.  As of right now, we have a due date of April 18, 2018.  That might change as we are really early and the date might be adjusted.  Ash has already had a miscarriage and is a bit nervous about this one and hoping everything goes well and pregnancy and baby are healthy.  I keep saying "baby" but I'm really feeling "girl"!   So we'll see!  

And just cuz I don't like to leave a blog entry without a is one of my daughter on left and niece on right.....this niece, as we speak is standing in line to audition for AMERICAN IDOL!!!  Good Luck Ali!!!  :D

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July 10, 2017

Life, so many times it just throws curve balls and sometimes we strike out.  My daughter, who has been married less than a year, is getting divorced.  Honestly, I knew this would be the outcome as their relationship was really never a good one or had a solid foundation.   Her husband came home from training out of town and said he didn't want to do marriage anymore, didn't love her and didn't want to try to put in the effort to work on it.  😠     I can't even really be THAT mad, more grateful than anything because I know my daugther and as stubborn as she is, she would have stayed and tried and tried, all the while never fully trustin him or being happy.   I think this is hard for her and she never went into anything this serious thinking it would end but I have seen her happier in the past month than in the past two years since being with him.  All in all, when she gets through this and on the other side, I'm hoping she will slow down and really not settle for superficial and go for substance, trust, honesty, compassion, generous and just wait for the right man, the one that God is preparing for her at this moment.  She is such an amazing young woman and deserves to be treated as such.

In other news, my dad got married this past December 2016.......still processing that my mom is gone because there will be times where I'm just waking up...not quite awake, and I think " I need to call my mom" then realize that she's gone.   My dad's wife Mary is quite amazing and we are blessed to have her in our lives.  She really loves my dad and has brought back a reason for him to live as he was really sinking into despair from sorrow and loneliness.  He just didn't know what to do with himself with mom gone as they were married 46 years.  

We have two grandsons, Winston is almost 3 in Sept and is expecting a baby brother in September too. Beckem is 5 months and is such a cutie.  These grandbabies are my step daugthers kids and I'm so glad to be part of their lives.   I'm not sure when my son will get married or have kids as he has no desire anytime soon to do so, and Ashlie...well, with a divorce coming, it might be awhile, which is ok and there are many things she needs to do with life before settling down again.  

And then there is me and Steve, we are trying to get a long, we know we need to take time and be more active, travel more and spend quality time together and I think one of the first things I'm going to do is plan a weekend trip and go ziplining!!!  I want to be more adventurous and live life active and not sittin on the stinkin couch!  So, that is something that I will be looking forward to!  

Aug 6, 2016

Lots of stuff going on, lots of life changes, lots of emotions running rampant.  (sigh)  Within the last two weeks my only daughter and youngest child (I only have two children)  got married.  She got married, went on her honeymoon and then this week her and her husband moved to Vegas.  Weird saying she has a husband....anyway, so on the same day she moved to Vegas, my dad...who is a widower, went on his first date since my mom passed (it's just a couple months shy of a year) .  I'm not sure how to process all that , and to some, it might not seem like it's a big deal, but to is.  

I'm on the beginning of a new and different life path, I know and can see where I want to go, maybe not how to get there, but I know what I want my life to look like.  I can feel a shift inside, something yearning for more from myself.  More depth, more growth, more movement, just MORE.  I feel a desire to do something more with my life....I'm now at a point where my kids are adults and living their own lives, and now it's time to redefine myself.  Figure out how I fit into this new journey, I know I want to be more active, focus on my health and definitely focus on my marriage.  This new direction opens up whole new possibilities and opportunities and I'm a little nervous but also excited to see what I do from here on out.  

I look forward to being there still for my children, because I will always be a mother and my children will always be a priority.  I will also be there for my dad more, and be supportive when he starts to move on with his new journey.  I will try my best to be my best, to be more positive, to be more loving, be kinder, be more proactive, be more productive and to look to the future with faith and hope and love.

 I am learning to love myself and that my friends, is a great place to be.  Without loving oneself, how can we really, really love others?  I am learning that I have great and infinite worth, divine purpose and that I AM worth all my dreams coming true.  I am learning that I am pretty darn awesome and that I have a lot to offer to those who are also on this life journey.  We don't get out of this alive, and we can't get through it alone.  I hope to leave my life knowing that I left it a little kinder than I found it....that is my goal. 

And just because I don't like to leave a post without some kind of is one from the wedding.  I just LOVE this, they look so in love and so happy!  It makes my heart swell up and my eyes tear up! 

February 2016

A funeral or a wedding, that seems to be one of two times that you get the whole family together.  Unfortunately this was a mom's funeral.  It's been almost four months since my mom passed away and I have yet to write anything about it.  I don't know how to convey in words how much I miss my mom, how amazing of a person she is and the example she set.  Im not so articulate as to get the thoughts and feelings in my head and heart out in written word and to have those reading really feel the depth of those feelings.  But...I feel the need to write something.  I have a paper journal and most of my journaling stays in that, but sometimes it's easier to just start typing.

My mom passed away early morning Oct 15, 2015, the death certificate says heart attack, she was sleeping, but restless all night.  She had told me months before that she would rather just have a heart attack and get it over quickly, she already had a death sentence, a long, slow, horrible death sentence. She had been diagnosed with ALS also known as Lou Gerrig's disease and knew what was in store for the long run.  We had a family friend pass away, basically wither away, slowly losing all ability to care for herself when I was still in high school.  My mom, the caring, compassionate, servant of our Lord would tend to her friend and visit her regularly, she served and served and served. She served because she loves people. She served because she has compassion, she serves most of all because of her deep love of Jesus and our Father in Heaven.  She was faithful and welcoming, understanding and loving.  She left such an example, one that I strive for, but fear I fall short of.  I don't have such a compassionate heart as she did....but her example does make me try to be better and for that I am grateful.

  My mom DID NOT want to go that way and I think that her prayers and pleading with the Lord, and his infinite grace and mercy granted her her sincere and honest prayers.   My mom did have to have a feeding tube, but she did not have to face the indignity of not being able to care for her needs.  The day before she passed, she showered herself, put makeup on and went to get the dr appt to get the tube replaced.  She was not happy about having that feeding tube....not at all.  She hated it, hated that her body was breaking down and betraying her, but she courageously continued on day by day getting weaker and weaker but still at the same time taking care of others and their needs.

A couple days after she passed, my sister and I  were at my my mom and dads, making plans for funeral arrangements.  Val and I had been running errands and came home to a couple of gift bags, I asked my dad what they were and he said "Pam (my mom's friend) brought them by, they are gifts from your mom, one for you, one for Val."  The tears came and didn't stop.  My mom and a few of her friends would get together a few times a month to sew and their group was making Christmas aprons for gifts.  My mom insisted on Thanksgiving aprons because she knew she wouldn't be around for Christmas.  That she knew her time was short, so much shorter than we all thought she had was an incredible revelation.  She must have been so in tune spiritually to have that knowledge, it really amazes me because at this point, she really was still mobile, still able to function on her own, just getting weaker.

We have had so many tender mercies and blessings since my mom's passing.  I know that she is not far, always checking in on us and loving us from the other side. Next to Heavenly Father and Jesus, her family, her husband, her children and grandchildren were her most prized relationships.  She loved deeply and served right up until her last day.  She is an incredible example, I keep going back from the past tense to the present tense, because although she is not on this earth anymore, I know she is in heaven...watching over us, and is with us always, and as much as we all miss her, we do take comfort in that knowledge.<3 p="">

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