Aug 6, 2016
Lots of stuff going on, lots of life changes, lots of emotions running rampant. (sigh) Within the last two weeks my only daughter and youngest child (I only have two children) got married. She got married, went on her honeymoon and then this week her and her husband moved to Vegas. Weird saying she has a husband....anyway, so on the same day she moved to Vegas, my dad...who is a widower, went on his first date since my mom passed (it's just a couple months shy of a year) . I'm not sure how to process all that , and to some, it might not seem like it's a big deal, but to me....it is.
I'm on the beginning of a new and different life path, I know and can see where I want to go, maybe not how to get there, but I know what I want my life to look like. I can feel a shift inside, something yearning for more from myself. More depth, more growth, more movement, just MORE. I feel a desire to do something more with my life....I'm now at a point where my kids are adults and living their own lives, and now it's time to redefine myself. Figure out how I fit into this new journey, I know I want to be more active, focus on my health and definitely focus on my marriage. This new direction opens up whole new possibilities and opportunities and I'm a little nervous but also excited to see what I do from here on out.
I look forward to being there still for my children, because I will always be a mother and my children will always be a priority. I will also be there for my dad more, and be supportive when he starts to move on with his new journey. I will try my best to be my best, to be more positive, to be more loving, be kinder, be more proactive, be more productive and to look to the future with faith and hope and love.
I am learning to love myself and that my friends, is a great place to be. Without loving oneself, how can we really, really love others? I am learning that I have great and infinite worth, divine purpose and that I AM worth all my dreams coming true. I am learning that I am pretty darn awesome and that I have a lot to offer to those who are also on this life journey. We don't get out of this alive, and we can't get through it alone. I hope to leave my life knowing that I left it a little kinder than I found it....that is my goal.
And just because I don't like to leave a post without some kind of picture......here is one from the wedding. I just LOVE this, they look so in love and so happy! It makes my heart swell up and my eyes tear up!
A funeral or a wedding, that seems to be one of two times that you get the whole family together. Unfortunately this was a funeral....my mom's funeral. It's been almost four months since my mom passed away and I have yet to write anything about it. I don't know how to convey in words how much I miss my mom, how amazing of a person she is and the example she set. Im not so articulate as to get the thoughts and feelings in my head and heart out in written word and to have those reading really feel the depth of those feelings. But...I feel the need to write something. I have a paper journal and most of my journaling stays in that, but sometimes it's easier to just start typing.
My mom passed away early morning Oct 15, 2015, the death certificate says heart attack, she was sleeping, but restless all night. She had told me months before that she would rather just have a heart attack and get it over quickly, she already had a death sentence, a long, slow, horrible death sentence. She had been diagnosed with ALS also known as Lou Gerrig's disease and knew what was in store for the long run. We had a family friend pass away, basically wither away, slowly losing all ability to care for herself when I was still in high school. My mom, the caring, compassionate, servant of our Lord would tend to her friend and visit her regularly, she served and served and served. She served because she loves people. She served because she has compassion, she serves most of all because of her deep love of Jesus and our Father in Heaven. She was faithful and welcoming, understanding and loving. She left such an example, one that I strive for, but fear I fall short of. I don't have such a compassionate heart as she did....but her example does make me try to be better and for that I am grateful.
My mom DID NOT want to go that way and I think that her prayers and pleading with the Lord, and his infinite grace and mercy granted her her sincere and honest prayers. My mom did have to have a feeding tube, but she did not have to face the indignity of not being able to care for her needs. The day before she passed, she showered herself, put makeup on and went to get the dr appt to get the tube replaced. She was not happy about having that feeding tube....not at all. She hated it, hated that her body was breaking down and betraying her, but she courageously continued on day by day getting weaker and weaker but still at the same time taking care of others and their needs.
A couple days after she passed, my sister and I were at my my mom and dads, making plans for funeral arrangements. Val and I had been running errands and came home to a couple of gift bags, I asked my dad what they were and he said "Pam (my mom's friend) brought them by, they are gifts from your mom, one for you, one for Val." The tears came and didn't stop. My mom and a few of her friends would get together a few times a month to sew and their group was making Christmas aprons for gifts. My mom insisted on Thanksgiving aprons because she knew she wouldn't be around for Christmas. That she knew her time was short, so much shorter than we all thought she had was an incredible revelation. She must have been so in tune spiritually to have that knowledge, it really amazes me because at this point, she really was still mobile, still able to function on her own, just getting weaker.
We have had so many tender mercies and blessings since my mom's passing. I know that she is not far, always checking in on us and loving us from the other side. Next to Heavenly Father and Jesus, her family, her husband, her children and grandchildren were her most prized relationships. She loved deeply and served right up until her last day. She is an incredible example, I keep going back from the past tense to the present tense, because although she is not on this earth anymore, I know she is in heaven...watching over us, and is with us always, and as much as we all miss her, we do take comfort in that knowledge.<3 p="">3>